sAm3 bY cEs

An old saying once said, when one door
closes, another opens. That is just how I analogize ’08 going ’09. Just how
many times in our lives we realize that we’ve benefited one year for a good
cause and just how many of us have no regrets whatsoever over a year going
away?

A lot had happened throughout my ’08 year,
I was out and about almost all through the year, being in not less than 3
places in total.

First was UNITEN, in bangi. I spent about 3
months there from January, learning basic spoken-Japanese. Not a single weekend while I was there that I went home. I missed out a heck of things at home, for example, my cousin’s engagement. But I met up lots of new frens and had whole new experiences I never thought I would. For the first time in my life I felt a sense of belonging in my life. I dun know why though. But the memories were very beautiful. But what surprises me most was that I had changed. I went from the bad rebellious 17-year-old me to a… well, to a NOT so rebellious me. I got a family there, a ‘Sappororians’ family.

I’m never gonna forget the night my daisenpais came and asked me to take a pix of them in front of the hotel, and
the next day I got a scolding from that freaking irrational encik Arafat for
having so-called relationship with JAD students. WTF. How was I responsible for them knowing my presence in uniten? How in hell was I supposed to know how they knew about me? Yeah, I’m still pissed off with him. Till now~~

And I lost some weights there, due to excessive walking, but it was no pain memory at all.

After the three months course, I went home,
for a slight 2 weeks before leaving to kelantan in April for my national
service training. It hadn’t been 2 days I was there; I had an unbelievably
painful and excruciating food poisoning, puked more than thrice a day, had
three injections at three different places and not cured till the last. That
was my first ever food poisoning of my life. But when I got better, I kind of
enjoyed it there, I made frens, shared new points of view, and I gained some
weight there too, thanx to the six-meal-a-day policy. But when I was there,
there was a point at which I returned to the 17-year-old me. The rebellious,
short-tempered, full-of-swearwords me. I didn’t know why but it happened. So,
when I got really close to a few girls and some boys, I received a study offer,
by the name JAD.

The offer I’ve dreamt of my whole life, the
one that will provide a platform and a chance to pursue my studies in Japan. I was torn. Between my newfound frens and enjoyment and the dreams I’ve always kept nurtured in me. I made up my mind and chose JAD. I might’ve been wrong in making these decisions yet I still know that was real, I would never have know wat’d happen if I chose otherwise.

It was then I realized that when I was all sick and vomiting in klantan, my grandfather passed away, and I didn’t have the chance to come back.

And my cousin got married but I was too far to come home.

It was only two weeks in klantan and the second day after the two weeks, I took a bus home. I had a single seat in the bus and I regretted the decision I made (going home) the whole journey home.
Yeap, I cried all the way. So I slept most of the tym to kill the pain.

I stopped at putra station and my dad took
me home. I spent the next two weeks at home and enrolled myself in unisel shah alam for the 3-years preparations in Malaysia.

Which maybe wasn’t all that bad, I had an all-paid-for-rented new home, a new room and a new life. Free life. AND an rm350 monthly allowance scholarship money from ypm which was allocated ONLY for food. Which I spent for shopping. Haha.

But along with that, there was no more Beep (my uniten roommate) who was also like my twin, we were like one in uniten, couldn’t ever be apart except for classes, she was in Ehime, I was in Sapporo. There was no more Yakult, my group in uniten/agrotek, and there was certainly no more Saufi or Ruby, my two ‘bestest’ sidekicks.

I never thought that JAD was a hell. Okay, it was no hell. The orientation week was a disaster, we all had to wake up at 5 and slept after midnight, it was excruciating, grueling, to say the least. We wentfor a horrifyingly terrible camp in perak for a get-to-know-ur-senior session. The first week of studies were all about revising our uniten syllabus. But this time, it was all real Japanese. No more Syarif Sensei, nor Saido Sensei. No more laughter like the ones in uniten. The workload was tiresome, math was a nightmare, physics was like syllabus for aliens and chemistry was the only one I could afford, though it was merely able to breathe sort of afford. Japanese was easy.

And JAD was where everything started. First of all, was my decision to enter JAD. Jad’s life was by far the worst nightmare of all nightmares. That I reached a point where I really wanted to drop out and wondered if it was better in AAJ? Beep was there, in AAJ universiti Malaya in kl. Also doing preps for pursuers in Japan. What was worse, they were in the HEART of KL, damned the taxi which only cost three bux to Midvalley. That’s how close it was to Midvalley. The first half of JAD life was depressing, and impossible to adapt to. But I got over that and I think if I want to realize my dream, I gotta stay there.

So I did. It was until I went to visit Beep in um that I started appreciating my JAD life. The worst that we are AAJ had it way WORSE. We have a house, an apartment, they only have a dorm. We had hotel beds; they had wooden platforms with thin mattress. But wat I appreciated most was the bond each of my batch hold towards each other. The girls and the boys, we are frens like we are family, very much unlike Beep. Sometimes I pity her. Their bond was only for the ones of the same sex, and the girls n boys seldom agree on each other. So I was really thankful I entered JAD during the overnight stay.

During my JAD first sem days, I kept in touch with my old school’s practical teacher through YM and we got close, like a big brother and his kid sister. Or so I thought. Turned out he had that more-than-frens sort of feeling. And when I turned him down, we kind of stopped communicating. I sent a few apology SMSes and IMed him to apologize, he didn’t reply and I finally gave him the last sms for raya, and that too was a no reply number.

The first sem ended and we went for anothercamp in negeri sembilan. That camp was much better than the one in perak, at least I didn’t have to deal with some kindda emotional-depression problem. Haha. And that camp was only us batch 9 jad. That was the best thing about it.

oh and the end of sem 1 brought a bttr news for all of us JADians. scholarship money raise! we had a total of rm80 increase from the initial amount which adds up to rm430!

which meant: lots more shopping activities!

But 2008 wasn’t all honeys and cherries. This year too, I broke up with my beau; I hadn’t had the guts to say these words till now. It took me the entire time to
get over the break-up blues. But now I’m okay, I can move on and though it
still pricks when I saw his feeds and updates in facebook, I can now scroll over
and read on~~

I too, put a stop on someone’s hopes. He’d been waiting years and years for me, ever since in school, and till now. I know it was painful for him, I left him in the cold night which was about to rain, I felt sorry, and was really really sorry, but that was the only choice I had. I couldn’t keep u waiting for an impossible hope.

Two of the most important people of my life are now no longer here, not that they’re dead, but it’s fact I gotta face, they’re gone and never will return. I’m sorry this happened, part of it involved 29 other people, and it was all probably my fault. But I still couldn’t figure out which part of it was my fault.

Yet I still believe that human conscience is one strong motivator of human. So if they chose the way they did, it wasn’t probably anyone’s fault. It’s just their instinct that told them to do so.

And a part of me still wishes one of them would come back. The latter doesn’t have that much chances as the former, so… do come back when u’re ready, I can’t promise the same ‘ol times, but it’s never too late to build a new one.

JAD now had transformed me to a whole new person, someone I barely know, someone I hardly WANT to know. I am changed. A new person, much different from school or uniten or even the NS me.

But I suppose it’s wat we go thru, changes.

So that’s my 2008 story.

2008 brought me lots of happy things, yet never missing out on the bad. I’ve gained and I’ve lost. It’s a fair game. A fair year.

So I had barely been at home, the holidays, sums up to a total of only 3 months tops at home.

2008 is another year with countless broken hearts, flawed tragedies, and irreplaceable lost souls.

I expect a lot of busy-ness in 2009 and many fresh faces, and tons of never-forgettable ups and downs.

cheers…

okay

my latest and most up-to-date 2009 wishlist is done!

however, a girl’s mind is a wonderous place to venture into, so, the list is still subjected to updation.

here it is~~~~~~

[the list is arranged according to most desired (1) to least desired (9)]

2009 WISHLIST

1. A CAR (SIMPLE, COMPACT AND MANEUVERABLE)
2. DELL INSPIRON 1525 NOTEBOOK (RED)
3. SONY ERICSSON C905 CYBER-SHOT MOBILE PHONE
4. TICKET TO WATCH LIVERPOOL FC IN SHAH ALAM
5. LIVERPOOL FC PREMIER MERCHANDISE TO HANG IN MY ROOM
6. EXTERNAL HARD DISK TO STORE MY KOREAN DRAMAS
7. NEW USB PENDRIVE TO STORE MY PICS
8. LOTSA NEW BAJU KURUNG
9. LOTSA NEW SHOES

okay

there it was. easy wasn’t it, much fewer than last year though.

oh

i made a list of thing i want but impossible to acheive too.

2009 UNACHIEVABLE WISHLIST

1. STRAIGHT A’s FOR KIMATSU SHIKEN
2. THE 17-YEAR-OLD, CHEERY ME
3. MY UNITEN MEMORIES REPEATING ITSELF
4. HIM

okay, this time, the list is arranged such that the most possible to achieve (1) to the most IMPOSSIBLE to achieve (4)

so, i know history or time will never rewind, bla,bla,bla, why do i still put a possibly achievable HUMAN after a time that i surely know i will never be able to achieve?

EASY. because i know to achieve HIM is even more impossible than to ask time to rewind itself. that’s how impossible it is. easy as abc!

hahah’

okay

so, i’m done here

i hav a new year’s resolution to fix. huhu

okies

c905 slide phone

my laptop

i am a proud KOPites

Okay I wrote this at 2 in the morning, I am not well, I had very bad headache, fucking frustrating sore throat and my body is so weak when it all combined, I cant speak and I am not the usual genki me.

I’m sick and I kindda miss my mum’s bubur with strips if chicken, and her feeding me while I stay in bed. Huhu. I’m a spoiled kid. Nah, that’s not true, apart of it may be true but really, I m no spoiled brat.

I feel so lonely lately. Lots of things been going on, I cant help but to feel the cold vibrations next to me though I tried so very hard to keep it away.

I’m tired.

That’s the truth

I’m tired of expectations.

Why do we put hopes?

Why do I put hopes?

Uh~~

Yea I miss someone. Who ever can it be?

My mum

My mum’s porridge

My skul besties

My skul life

My self two years ago

That someone who doesn’t even know I existed

Haha

Okay~~

2 o’clock in the morning with thick mucus in my throat and slow brain performances, I think must’ve affected my thinking.

Does he know?

He cared?

Cemana nk ckp ni..

Suka sgt kat die

Tp mcm x mungkin je

Coz walaupun kitorg sgt dekat, tp sbnarnye sgt la jauh..

Dan ak sgt tensen dgn semua bnda.

Everything around me

Urgh~

Ak nak balik uniten..

Hahah

Ak suka kau!!!!!!

Ak x suka physic and math!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

X suka denki!!!!!!!

X suka ∫e^x dan tan^-1 x !!!!!!!!

Benci!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hav a lot to buy in 2009

I’m still preparing the wishlist tho

New year’s resolution~~

Oh god

Annual tradition that never fades..

Actually, I’ve always wanted to pen down in my blog everyday coz I think I undergo a new adventure everyday or rather a lot of annoying things or exciting things. I mean, I believe everyday is a new day, and I love to reminiscent bout the new things I met or encountered. But you know, being a JAD student, that kind of wish is like really remotely possible. So okay. I’ll face it, I’m a JAD student and it is kind of unfeasible. Thank you.

So I get to write whenever I’m free. And have too much to unload, when I feel like human communications no longer work for me or scarcely bring any effects to me n my everyday redundant complaints, I turn to my trustworthy, reliable blog and moan just how much I want without hearing a single ‘I’m bored of your complaints!!!’ sort of feedback.

So, there had been so many things that happened to me since I last wrote a post. But I guess the latest made the biggest and boldest impact on me.

I mean, just how many times you get your heart broken from a relationship that barely even started? Okay, I might want to narrow it down a little.

It was very inadvertent a thing can be. I wasn’t really into it. It was purely innocently merely friends sort of relationship, I mean, it’s practically normal for anyone, getting to know each other. But I think to actually develop that one feeling to another will take up time, maybe I was stupid, or too naïve to believe.

I had asked the status, single or not, available or otherwise, but that time when I did asked that, we were friends and I thought of it as nothing more than that.

It’s only been like 3 months or so we’ve been in close contact, which is why I don’t know how or when it was that it started to happen, I mean, this flowery wooly dooly icky dickey feeling. Urgh. I didn’t really took it seriously, I preferred to ignore it, seeing that Malaysia will no longer be a the future ahead of the person, so I didn’t want to hurt myself, saving myself the pain and agony, I chose to b friends, it’s neutral, I dun owe u, u don’t owe me sort of thing. Yet it was there. I mean, it WAS there.

Then one fine night where I heard talks, I was always the kind, wait, I AM always the type to stay quite when people talk about others, I inquire but I seldom add to the story, I believe that gossips are fun to listen to yet I don’t hold a grudge against anyone to make ‘em, I mean, I believe that if I don’t make ‘em shit bout people, people won’t make ‘em shits bout me, (or so I thought). So, I heard a story, that the “I am single and available” shit was too much of an understatement. So when the talks started to heat up with talks of the person being not single, I can’t help but feel that something inside me is eating me up to the surface.

When they told me that ‘not single’ was the real status, I was ‘uh really?’ and make d usual expressions, but god knows just how devastated I was that bloody time.

Honestly, I was terribly horribly awfully dreadfully offended. I was really upset. Ha-ha. How silly can I be?

I have a habit, it’s not really a habit, it’s more like who I am on the inside. I dun trust people easily. It might take years to gain that trust coz I believe when I give trust, I give my life with that trust, I mean, I can trust that person with MY life, and to be truthful, all my life, I’ve found only one person who actually succeeded to accomplish that trust. Call me a loser but that is how restricted I am of my trust.

What hurts the most was that I trust both the gossiper and the person as much as equal. Nothing more and nothing less. But I can’t decide who I trust more coz the gossiper… u know, this person who told me bout THE person wasn’t a gossiper really, gossiper is such a harsh word.

Okay, back to the story, the person who told me knew THE person more than I do, having spent a three years of studying together, although not in the same class, but still of the same age, so the person who told me would know a little bit better bout THE person than me. I can’t decide really. I mean, how can I blame a person I don’t know of the background?? How can I trust either without actually having THE trust?

It’s like an old saying; u can’t lose what u never had. Think I’m eating my own words. Hmm…

Nonetheless, it hurts me. Ha-ha. I am the silliest person on earth. Seriously. It made an impact on me, a hell of a big one. I was really saddened. A little emotional imbalance over here. Ha-ha.

笑わせてくれないの？

ズット前から今までも悲しい事がたくさん起こっちゃうので、

ちょっと楽しい事に大変にまってる。

あたしが、そのままでいつも悲しまれて、何とか泣く訳。

お願いいたす。

笑わせてください。

あなたに、しんじってほしいのに、どうしてもあなたがある日マレーシアから出発して、私を一人で生活される。

そのため、信じるのが非常に大変だと思う。ごめん。。。

i wouldn’t pinpoint, but honestly, everyone has their own alter ego. even the sweetest and the most pious person on the surface of the planet has a dark side he’d not want anyone to discover.

ever read the book??

theres Jekyll and Hyde, the same person but two completely different personality. Jekyll, a rich, having a heart of a gold, modest, and kind scientist successfully created a potion, believed to change a person’s appearance and bring up one’s darker side to a point where there’s barely any goodwill left in him. the potion, not only having that ability to alter a person, it can also, as if, create a new person, who has a brain of itself. so, he drank this potion and became his dark side, Hyde-who enjoys doing all vicious things, stealing, gambling, anything that has “cruelty” written all over it.

my point is, in every good, there’s evil. i mean, there’s a bright and dark side of just about anyone in this world. there’s no angel in human, one may only perform an angelic task, but one is no angel, yet one is also no devil, one cant perform an evil thing with no compassion at all, sum how, theres still mercy in anyone.

so lets face it, we are Jekyll, and if we’re Jekyll, we’re also Hyde. we’re good, there’s no doubt, but we’re not always good, sumtimes, we may slip that bit of selfishness, or that tiny tad of satisfaction over others’ failures.

we’re only human, not void of feelings.

i, to say the least, i know i may not always be a good Samaritan, but i’m not always bad, n not that every time i did a bad thing, i left no space for repentance whatsoever but i supposed i have grown to be an adult, though a small and young adult, i know how to differentiate. THANX.

i may have done things in the past, which is all over, nothing but sealed in a box, not ashes, merely mist that floats in mid air, barely there. almost none. yet, there r still traces of ‘em i can’t find but others may hav discovered. and u noe, be a gossip girl!

so okay, i made mistakes. i hav the guts to admit them. not like i’m not sad, it’s sad coz it’s something i won’t be able to erase, but i’m not ashamed. coz i made them, and i’m not ashamed of making them coz if i didn’t do them, i would never learn, making mistakes is a painful yet effective learning process. n gez wut, i learned.

even so, i have no power to erase my past. yet i gez it’s wats keeping me awake. and none of any of the people around me has the power of being judgmental of me coz i had repented and some of who might look at me with such deflected glaze, i pity all people like u.

at least i admit i made mistakes. some of u may still lurk in ur own darkness, making mistakes u dun admit, and brag bout others’ mistakes like u’ve never done a mistake before.

dat’s human nature. atarimae desyou?? haha cant fight human nature can i?? people talk. they just do.

get a life.

i’m no angel. and neither are all of us

ok. i was rather a foolish in the morning, i skipped kaiwa and jishuu class and slept in the surau for two whole hours before butsuri. but u noe, i didn’t do it bcoz i want to, i did it bcoz i couldn’t concentrate, since that bloody midget kept bugging my mind, lingering around and refused to get the hell away, i couldn’t have survived the class nonetheless. plus, being bothered by my own unconscious mind, by a very own invisible imaginary git wouldn’t let me stay awake in that class for another minute.

but hey, i got to sleep. before physics.

which was also a turn-off. but hey, next was ishimatsu sensei’s class, i managed to stay awake even thru the immensely confusing lecture bout “torque and moment” (gratitudes to the two hour sleep i had before)

but after that sleep {couldn’t help to admit} i was much rational tho. i couldn’t have possibly let an imaginary, unsee able doofus ruin a good day like this?! so ok, i braced myself. wat’s wrong with taking that risk?? took me the whole 28 hours worrying bout, but in the end-which is here-i came to the conclusion that, if i dun take that risk, i may stay being a coward for the rest of my life, and i dun want to be able to look back, one day 10 years later and remember that i was a hell of a coward. plus, if i dun take the risk, i wouldn’t have known what would have happened otherwise.

geddit??

it all comes down to who i would be bhind “that door” really. it’s that T-junction ahead of u, all u gotta do is choose left or right. only, in this case whether to choose to take or ignore that risk.

and i choose to take it.

i hope i made that one right. gambare!!!

hope god will be with me with this decision.

may the force be with me.

INSYA’ALLAH….

have u ever encountered times where u’re in a room, stuffy, all tensed up, doing sumthing u probably dun wanna do, feeling really depressed and u saw, a glimpse of a person walking thru the light from that opening under the door to the world outside and u wished that u’re OUT there and not IN there?

i dun know bout this, but i can’t help but think that everybody goes thru diz phase. that phase where we wonder what it would be like if we hadn’t made that choice.

i mean, i went thru it when i was in school, after that, and now. it’s like every now and then i get the feeling that i should b elsewhere, anywhere but here.

i probably made a mistake taking this ride, but it is a ride that doesn’t offer a return ticket. yeah, probably i made that mistake. and to be honest, i’m tired. that’s all. i mean, what’s all this fuss and whines i go around and about everyday, it all came from one reason-i’m tired-.

i’ve always wanted to run away from this inescapable maze i participated myself for. it’s no fun. although sometiimes it’s so much enjoyable to get to know a lot of people, some of whom who may be so similar to me, we’re almost twins separated at birth. it’s fun being able to go out and go wherever u want to, and whenever it may be. and the most important part is that it’s who i go out with.

still it’s a mystery. i will go out with whoever i want. and no one is a part of that decision. it’s one that i allow no one to object.

ever heard “flybaits-mengapa perpisahan yang kau pinta”? it’s an old melody. this song sort of reminds me of sumone. i may not be able to justify this but, sumtimes a break-up is a good way to save two hearts from getting any worse injury. and to stay alone isn’t all that bad coz those will be the times u realize u’ve missed all the fun with ur frens and ur family.

a lot’s happened since the last time i was here. i am happy to be alone again. i had my regrets, but i can’t live on those terrible memories shadowing me around. i’ve been a new person, with new resolutions and new aims. tho there may still be leftovers of that ol’ habit, there’s time for repentment.

so.. i’ll be the new person i want to be. and i’m gonna strive harder, tho it’s easier said than done..

hahah

yet it’s a life i gotta live. and i’m gonna make fun outta it.

u btter fuckin’ wait for me.

just how can i get on what with all this throbbing past and present tailing me around?? i surrender, lifted my white flag. i’ve had it, that was it. and now, i’m havin some fair shares of other troubles. i left one and ten more came on to me.

what do i do? what can i do? i know i may sound a lil too hopeless yet i cant deny that it is true. it’s hopeless. i’m sick. i’m tired.

sumtimes all i want is things to go back to the way it was 10 years back. sound naive though but wth? i have no choice and no options. and they say life is a choice, all that crap that we always have choices, are all BULLSHITS. i dun giv a f*** but sorry.

almost as if there’s a Death Eater following me ’round,sucking the happiness outta me.. and all i want ryt now is that room 303, that new building 2nd floor, dat class on the right wing, dat field next to the lake, dat stairs bhind the hotel, those people that existed before my very eyes. my dearly beloved memories..

ever feel like u went thru such a bad phase that u juz need that memory back?? yeah. thing is, i’m too fragile. yet i tried so hard and still is. and i cant find y i am! that is the whole bloody point..

i want to run, where to? i mean, when is another reality gonna knock some sense in me? why the hell dun i ever learn. i need a fren, not that i dun have them, juz the ones who i can trust, the ones i used to go down to the canteen during class for sum chocs, the one i hang out wit at the balcony of our 3rd floor hotel, the one i went to zapin class together? those were the ones i need ryt now.. i love u guys so much.

i may have suffered the agony none of u encountered or may have lacked the knowledge to prevent more of these..

i may have lost my faith to believe and all i need is what it was befor it is

i may have done my shares of irresponsible times and repented with times while sum may still leave a trail..

i dun know..

it seems like years since the last time i come around this page..
been so god damned busy since i entered JAD.. it’s sort of like sucking the life out of me..
life’s changed so much.. been so long since i talked to my girls.. gawd..
who have i bcome..
thing is..
what i thought wud happen did turn out ryt..
what hav i done..
i thought what i left before uniten will stay in that box and never trail me again..
yet.. it’s still like a silhouette that shadowed my every nyte…
if my presence in my present brings  suffocations to  anyone then i’m sorry..
the world is just another stage..
so bear  with me..
i’m so tired…
akirametai..
i mean…
life isn’t as fun as it used to be.. and it does not get any better.
i’m so sick of people who i expected to be a fren who suddenly turns their backs on me
i’m so sick of doing every single steps that seems to be every single mistake to u.
who am i for u??

kimatsu shiken ni… (final sem exam) ni.. teringin nak mintak restu mak… nak sgt mintak doa dia…

teringin nak jadi org yang pelupa…
teringin nak jadi org pemaaf…
teringin nak jadi org yg x da perasaan

penat la..
sumtimes after a hard day, want to talk to our trusted ones..
only to luahkan..

bukan nak mintak nasihat…

how do i hav to change……
how can i change…

rindu sgt kat semua kwn dlu…
wlupun dulu hidup susah, dorg ada jadi pendengar..
skarng, semua org penipu.. pembelot..

kalau nk ikutkan hati, aku nk blk kem skarang gak. it’s so hard for me to let go of the memories there n susah nak tglkan d fact dat aku da lepaskan smua peluang utk mencuba flying fox, kayak, pertandingan watersport, main M16, or d fact dat i left my class, dorm F01, kwn2 yg sgt ramai n yg plg penting skali PATRIOT!!!!

aku sdih sgt, x nak blk umah. byk bnd yg ak boleh buat kat sana tp ak da kat rumah. and honestly sbnarnye, it’s better diz way.
if i stay there, things will get worse n ak tau org lain x kan fhm ape ak tulis. wirawati of KEM ETNOBOTANI GUA MUSANG KELANTAN SIRI 5 KUMP 2 THN 2008 je fhm.

first of all ak nk mintak maaf for evrything yg da terjadi. aku takut bln 6 nant, bila korg semua da blk, ak terlupa nk mintak maaf.
i’m sorry dat certain things happened there. kdg2, if ak fikir blk, ak rasa mcm going to plkn was the BIGGEST mistake ever.
for one thing i got to know u guys n terpaksa berpisah dgn korg, for another, it’s my presence dat caused sum probs there.

kalau tny nape sedih.. ada 3 sebab. pertama; ak x nk tglkan kwn2 yg baru ak kenal n da semakin rapat, ak nk sgt kenal korg, b a gud fren n share lotsa things wif u guys.
kedua; disebabkan oleh things dat i will miss.
i wanted to try d flying fox, M16!!!! kayak…. but now i can’t. ketiga; is d fact dat ak nak sgt berada kat sana n b there but ak dhalang oleh d fact dat i dun actually belong there…

sigh.. susahnya seminggu… nk 2nggu jumaat tu.. rasanya payah sgt.. maybe org pernah rasa ape ak rasa ni tp to tell d truth.. i miss them so much dat it hurts like hell dat freezes over. wat can i do?? i dun noe wat i can do..

setiap sabtu 10 malam… mest aku harap jumaat 5 petang akan muncul dgn cepat.. kenapa terlalu sekejap.. nape terlalu singkat…
kalau 15 hari je tempohnya, nape x btau awal2. x yah aku pi sana, naik bus penat2, food poisoning sume kat sana, baik aku x ya pi. x yah jumpe org2 ni.
DORG YG DA BUAT AK RINDU GILA JINBED KAT DORG!!!!!!!!!!!
kenapa…
kenapa semua ni kene jadi..
semalam kwn2 aku hantar mms. tetiba aku rasa sedih giler..
I SHUD BE IN THOSE PICTURES!!!!! laughing n smiling wif them…

but y m i here??
y did i even left for ns???????????
i swear.. if i was given d chance… i wud not go to ns. x nak jumpe smue org..
sb sedih.. kene berpisah.. sedih tu payah tau.. Tuhan je tau…
kalu ada org baca blog ni.. kalu ada course 3 bulan ke, ape ke, jgn la join..
bcoz u go there, have TONS of fun there,eat, sleep, study wif ur frens everyday dat when u hav to part, it’s lyk u’re leaving ur heart there n u’re taking only ur body back home..

when i left kem.. i dunnoe… susah nk ckp..
mcm kem tarik kiri, studies tarik kanan..
thing is.. i dunnoe if i can stand diz..
that missing feeling… kehilangan tu.. kosong sgt.. rindu sgt..
gawd.. i wish they know dat this emptiness is hurting my goddamn brain..

how can i make it ryt??
how can i make it whole again???
how can i move on???
when i cant even stop dat painful emptiness feeling everytime i thing of them. x tau la…
actually.. ak x sabar nak bulan 6.. nak 2ngu 2 minggu pun mcm 10 tahun… nak tunggu bulan 6… berjanggut la ak nie… sedih seyh…

but u noe… i dun wanna cry anymore… ryt now.. i’m piling my guts to keep all the beautiful memories safely in a beautiful box and seal it, and i’ll leave it down in d deepest bottom of my heart.
i wanna move on.. becoz waiting for JUNE to come is a pain in d ass.. i know.. whatever it is.. i’m gonna b bz wif studies..
n i know JUNE will come when i least expect it…
by then.. i know.. some memories will b lost and lots of things dat i missed out on.. but it’s ok.. i’ll try not to mind too much…

p/s : guys.. i wish u can read dis.. COZ GODDAMMIT I MISS U GUYS SO GODDAMN MUCH ………………………..